Dope Sick

Kiki, when you get the flu, do you just deal with it, or is your solution a bag of junk?

Her restless legs were sheeted in sweat
desperate for relief
kicking dirty walls to the point
that she'd bruises to show for it
She was perspiring buckets
that were surely seeping into the 2-inch foam pad
she bought months ago
inevitably staining it forever
to remind her that she was
at one point
Dopesick

"I just deal with it…I guess..."

But a bowl of chicken soup
had no capacity to comfort her
and nothing she could buy at Duane Reade
would stop her clammy body from shaking
She NEEDED heroin

or Suboxone
Klonipin and Xanax or weed
the ONLY solution was a drug
and all she had was a bottle
of watered down Georgi
that made her gag every time
she got a whiff of it

You know, I know where you're coming from. I used to have a habit, I've been dopesick before…but you're too smart, Kiki, too beautiful to be doing dope, Kiki. Come on…this is for the better. I can't give you a bag on credit, I just can't. If you were a regular customer, then maybe, but..you see…I made a pact with Angel and I just can't…….I'll call you back later if my guilty conscience gets the best of me.

He spoke like he was doing her college-girl self a favor
by keeping her sick and
stuck to her mattress
unable to move
aside from the few feet she'd crawl
every ten or twenty
to shit or vomit water
she wanted to scream at him

with every ounce of diminishing strength in her body:

BULLLLSSHIIIITTTT YOU CLEARLY DON'T GIVE A FUCK STOP PRETENDING LIKE YOU THINK IM TOO GOOD FOR THIS SHIT YOU’RE A WORTHLESS DOPE-DEALING-DOMINICAN IN THE PROJECTS WHO THINKS YOU'RE HOT JUST CAUSE YOUR PHONE WON'T STOP RINGING AND THOUGH LAST WEEK YOU WERE ALL BUDDY BUDDY WITH ME NOW YOU CANT GET ME WELL WITH A SINGLE BAG THAT YOURE GETTING AT LESS THAN 5 BUCKS A POP?! FUCK YOU YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK HOW DARE YOU PEP TALK ME
YOU OLD MOTHERFUCKER.

but she didn't
she said goodbye
and cried
It didn't matter that he was right
because he wasn't gonna help her
just like Angel and Dani and Jack and Lance and Mitch weren't gonna
and she couldn't believe that she'd reached a point
where a smack-pusher
was teaching her a lesson

All she wanted was someone
to hold her
to take her writhing calves in their hands
and knead them for a little
a nurse to sponge her fevered, wet body

withering away before her own eyes
someone to say that things were gonna be okay
that they loved her, and
that she was special and important
and not the worthless junkie
she thought she'd become
but she knew that she couldn't expect that
of anyone else
if she couldn't do it for herself

That Saturday night
when her resources ran dry
she swore she'd kick
because those 24 hours
were among the worst of her life
and it was the first time
ever
that she felt like dying